An important note:

The line "I can't even kill myself properly" was written a long time ago and although I don't have any suicidal thoughts anymore the line has taken a liking to me and it always pops into my head when I write these things.

The reason I'm posting this is because I can't live without being liked (I'm satisfied with pitied... sadly enough) and because I haven't updated my fic...Which should have been done some time ago... I just can't write it down, it isn't writer's block, I know every line...

Some other reasons why I'm posting this is because I can't sleep, I am tired and my stomach hurts!

Why won't you hit me?

Why don't you try to hurt me?

Why don't you beat my face to bloody pulp when you say you want to?

You keep calling me an idiot, a bitch, whore, slut...

I'm a virgin.

I receive lots of A's.

I have close friends who (I hope) like me.

You keep hurting me emotionally and you chuckle when my poor defeated self-esteem lies in shatters on the floor.

You step on my remains... I close my eyes. Trying to keep the picture of you out of my mind.

I want to hurt you like you hurt me,

but when I punch your smiling face

you smirk even more and laugh at

my pathetic attempts

"Do you want me to hit you?" you ask when I punch you.

Yes, very much! It would hurt less than what I'm already feeling -and you act like this is nothing!

Your blows would take away the hurt inside or at least drown it!

I know how illogical this sounds...

Stop this torturing, agonizing bit-by-bit wrecking of my soul.

Why do I let you hurt me?

When I try revenge -or fighting back! Doing exactly what you did to me, the anger is suddenly righteous...

...because it's yours.

It hurts me when you say you hate me -I still can't hate you back.

Everyday you remind me of how useless I am.

Why oh why is it like this?

It hurts! Too much to take...

On days when I feel up or have found something that makes me happy -a new t-shirt, a song, a book! You are always there with your forever-smirking face and a comment to put me down.

"Are you really going to wear that?

Freak."

Yes I am very much a freak... At least different than you... Who'd want to be like you?

Always figuring out new ways to put me down, make my life miserable.

Why do I want people to like me? Why do I need your liking...loving.. appreciation.. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT?

Why do I need YOU?

Do I deserve this treatment?

Why am I abnormal?

Why do you hurt me so much?

Why do you exist?

Do you hate yourself?

Do you hate me?

Do you need to feel better than me? You are...

Do you want the constant hurting of me as an ego boost? Your ego boost.

Don't you have a life apart from me?

Yes you do.

You have more friends than I could ever have...

Am I the failure?

I can't interact with people

-grades isn't all

Oh if life only was getting a job or studying and receiving marks.

Some people wish to be me -or at least my grades

I try to drown my sorrow, grief and emptiness and escape life -escape myself- by diving into non-existent lives of non-existent people in unreal worlds

I try to write something important -something that'll change someone's life.

I try to write things people will like.

Uselessly

Worthlessly

To no avail

And every day you remind me of how useless I am.

When I tell you, ask you to stop, you ask me; "When was the last time I called you useless?"

I don't know. That doesn't matter. It's not the point.

Your disapproving picture is forever engraved in my mind.

Your voice is forever etched in my ears and I bring it with me everywhere I go.

Disapproving me...

When you say it out loud it's only a

corrobation, an acknowledgement,

a confirmation of what I already knew.

I am worthless

and the world hates me

I can't even kill myself properly

my stomach hurts