A/N: THIS IS SO VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY OFFENSIVE I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE A SICK TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR LIKE I DO BECAUSE I AM A SICK AND TWISTED BITCH WHO MAKES FUN OF THINGS SO LONG AS THEY DON'T HAPPEN TO ME AND WOW THIS IS A REALLY HUGE RUN ON SENTENCE! :D I'm funny, hee hee.

Apocolyptical Mayhem

Pre-fun Profiles for the Fun of the Profile Fun!
Skip- the domineering domeieering dominatrix, and I don't want to fix my spelling mistakes, so there.
Felix- :D
Tell- READ "SHALLOW AND STUPID" AND "SUPER KATZE SMACK DOWN". He's an octupus.
Talon- read this fic.
The Oklahoma City Bomber- bombed Oklahoma City in the 1990's, or more specifically, when I was in the 6th grade, I think, actually, I think that was the O.J. Simpson trial
The Dude Who Supposedly Shot JFK and I Can't Remember His Name- this dude supposedly shot JFK, but I can't remember his name
Osama "Ben" Laden- also known as Osama bin Laden, and the bin is not German. He hides out in caves and likes to drive Ford Mustang GT's
O.J. Simpson- he was in a cool movie with Leslie Nealson. He was put on trial for the murder of his wife in the 1990's. This is was definitely when I was in the 6th grade.
George W. Bush- our mighty fine president. You gotta love a guy who can declare war on intangible objects (i.e. terrorism)

SKIP: There's this chick and her name is Talon. Do you know her?
FELIX: I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am.
SKIP: Shut up Felix, you're not Sam. Shut up.
FELIX: Yea, I know Talon, though I've never ever met her.
SKIP: So this chick Talon-
TELL: HOOOOOOOOOOOOWDY!
SKIP: ...
FELIX: ...
TELL: Howdy partners.
SKIP: I AM NOT YOUR PARTNER.
FELIX: OMG, WTF, WALLHACK!
SKIP: Shut up Felix, you're ruining the mood.
TELL: Don't ignore me!
SKIP: ARGH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! *pushes a fridge over onto Tell*
TELL: OH THE GOD, THE PAIN!
FELIX: ...*loot the fridge* Food is yummy! :D
SKIP: You're such a putz.
FELIX: I know! *munchmunch*
SKIP: What are you eating?
FELIX: Don't know! *munchmunch* :D
SKIP: ...
FELIX: *munchmunch*
SKIP: Anyways, do you know this girl Talon?
FELIX: I said yes.
SKIP: Ok. Well, I printed out her profile for your viewing pleasure:

What the bloody hell do YOU want?

*glares*

Why do you want to know anything bout me?

*heavy sigh* Well, if I tell you will you leave me alone?

*sighs again* I thought as much.

I'm Talon.

Not enough?

*rolls eyes*

I am Dasia's koishii tsuin...she is my brat-koi and I kish her face! We are seriously twincestious twins...is MUCH fun!

I write Yaoi fanfiction...and don't even think about stealing Sage...he bites. One does not kidnap the crown prince of Vegeta-sei. You WILL be Final Flashed!

Not sure what yaoi is?

*smirks*

It is very intense hot monkey sex between two BOIS OF THE MALE PERSUASION...prefably with tails.

Squicks you?

As if I care.

*pads off to ravish her brat-koi*

Ja!

FELIX: ARGH! I HATE HER AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!
SKIP: It is a travesty.
FELIX: She must die.
SKIP: I concur.
FELIX: Let us conspire together and figure out a most triumphant way to dispose of this gargatuan nemisis.
SKIP: Shut up Felix. Why don't you just say, "Let's plot to the kill the bitch!"?
FELIX: Sorry, I like to talk big and pretend I'm intelligent.
SKIP: Well, you're not, so shut up. Let's go to the old book depository.
FELIX: FIELD TRIP! :D
*at the old book depository*
THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBER: So then I said, "That is my left foot!"!
DUDE WHO SUPPOSEDLY SHOT JFK AND I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME: BWAHAHAHA!
SKIP: Hello.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Yo, wazzup?
SKIP: What're you all doing here?
O.J. SIMPSON: Playing poker. What about you?
SKIP: Trying to plot with Felix to kill this bitch.
FELIX: Hello. *waves*
GEORGE W. BUSH: What's up wit dees hos?
SKIP: *slaps him* Shut up George W., you're white!
FELIX: Power to the people!
OSAMA: Yea, George, you ain't got no rhyme or rhythm.
O.J.: Quiet you middle east muthafucka, you don't look none black to me either.
SKIP: Guys, guys, calm down. We're all friends here.
ALL: ...
SKIP: Ignore the plot hole, move along.
FELIX: I'S GOTS THE BESTS IDEA!
SKIP: You're annoying me with that talk. Shut up or make sense.
FELIX: They know how to murder people and get away with it.
THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBER: Actually, I got caught.
DUDE WHO SUPPOSEDLY SHOT JFK AND I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME: And they didn't prove it was me, but I got busted anyways.
OSAMA: And no one can find me.
SKIP: ...
FELIX: ...Well then! O.J. you can help us, right?
O.J.: You know it. Just make sure the glove is too small for you.
GEORGE W.: May I suggest something?
SKIP: I guess so. But we'll have to start charging you for every ounce of stupidity you put upon us soon.
GEORGE W.: Well-
SKIP: That's five cents.
FELIX: Be nice.
GEORGE W.: Don't misunderestimate me. I can help you get rid of this bitch you speak of.
SKIP: Okay, how? By the way, that's ten cents.
GEORGE W.: Stomp her ass with a dragon!
SKIP: THAT'S FIVE FUCKING THOUSAND HUNDRED DOLLARS YOU OWE ME.
FELIX: You just made no sense.
SKIP: It was all for the art of being amusing.
FELIX: I see...
SKIP: You're not going to hate me now, are you?
FELIX: *sniff* Maybe.
SKIP: Oh for the love of...
OSAMA: I say use a plane and crash it into her!
SKIP: That's already been done.
OSAMA: She's survived a plane being crash into her?
SKIP: No. The idea of crashing a plane into people.
OSAMA: Well, it worked before.
SKIP: COPY CATS SUCK, OK, MAN!?
OSAMA: Ok, ok! You do not to bite off of the head of mine!
FELIX: Oh yea, now you speak in broken English. Bloody blankets.
SKIP: What's blankets have to do with this?
FELIX: Afghan!
SKIP: ...Shut up, Felix.
*television turns on by itself*
THE DUDE WHO SUPPOSEDLY SHOT JFK AND I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME: What the Hell? We have a TV in here?
TV NEWSCASTER: Well, it's the end of the world. Locusts have invaded. Plagues on the rise. Fire and brimstone shooting into the sky. Cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria. It's the coming Gozer.[1]
SKIP: Well shit, that sucks.
FELIX: Indeed.
TV NEWSCASTER: Apparently this is all because of one person, whose name has not yet been confirmed. All we found was the profile on this most heinous public enemy number one.
SKIP: New plan, kill the bitch responsible for the end of the world.
FELIX: I concur.
TV NEWSCASTER: I quote:

What the bloody hell do YOU want?

*glares*

Why do you want to know anything bout me?

*heavy sigh* Well, if I tell you will you leave me alone?

*sighs again* I thought as much.

I'm Talon.

Not enough?

*rolls eyes*

I am Dasia's koishii tsuin...she is my brat-koi and I kish her face! We are seriously twincestious twins...is MUCH fun!

I write Yaoi fanfiction...and don't even think about stealing Sage...he bites. One does not kidnap the crown prince of Vegeta-sei. You WILL be Final Flashed!

Not sure what yaoi is?

*smirks*

It is very intense hot monkey sex between two BOIS OF THE MALE PERSUASION...prefably with tails.

Squicks you?

As if I care.

*pads off to ravish her brat-koi*

Ja!

SKIP: You have got be be shitting me.
FELIX: Fuck nation!
TV NEWSCASTER: If you have an information, please tell everyone so we may kill this person immediately. Thank you, and I will now go run in terror. *runs* AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
SKIP: Fuck that! I'm not telling anyone! I want the glory of the kill!
FELIX: BURN THE WITCH! BURN HER!
SKIP: We need cool clothes.
FELIX: Why?
SKIP: To look cool while we kill.
FELIX: I can live with that.
O.J.: There's a dressing room three doors down.
SKIP & FELIX: Thanks!
*five minutes later*
SKIP: RAAAAR! *leaps back into the room and beats a chair with a golf club* I AM GENGHIS SKIP! FEAR THE WRATH OF MY MIGHTY GOLFNESS!
FELIX: WATOOOK! *leaps back into the room and beat the remains of the beaten up chair with a metal baseball bat* I AM FELIX BONAPARTE! FEEL THE ANGER OF MY COLD ALUMINUM!
OSAMA: Screw random men blowing themselves up. THIS is the meaning of true terror.
THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBER: Two girls dressed as two of the most famous war generals in history?
OSAMA: Exactly.
GEORGE W.: YES! America conquers terrorism!
O.J.: Actually, I think we just became a new breed of terrorism.
FELIX: Word. We strike fear into the hearts of our enemies.
SKIP: Shut up. These aren't our enemies. Well, except for maybe Osama. No offense, Osama.
OSAMA: None taken.
FELIX: Time to go out there and kick some booootaaayy!
*Skip and Felix step outside to see mass chaos, the sky red*
FELIX: This isn't so bad. This looks exactly like the part of my dreams that make the most sense.
SKIP: Shut up, Felix. I sense trouble coming this way.
FELIX: How?
SKIP: Hm, perhaps that the ground is shaking in heavy thuds, and as the sound comes closer the tremors grow in size.
FELIX: Oh. *munchmunch*
SKIP: What are you eatting!?
FELIX: Don't know. *spits it out* Apparently it's a poker chip.
SKIP: ...
FELIX: ...*munchmunch* OMFG.
SKIP: What?
FELIX: I just realized if anyone has read this far, they probably hate me.
SKIP: What's your point?
FELIX: You're right. Fuck them. *looks at the fourth wall* Yea! I'm talking to you! Fuck you! :D
SKIP: Well, unless you're cool.
FELIX: Oh, right! Unless you're cool. Otherwise then, you're cool, and I omit my fuck you to you.
SKIP: Oh my god, I'm so..uh..insert another word for terrified here...that all logical thought has fled from my mind.
FELIX: What is it? *looks* #$%!
FORTY FOOT TELL: HA! HA! HA! *beats chest like King Kong*
SKIP: Quick! How do you kill a fourty foot Tell!?
FELIX: *pulls out a pamplet* Look at this. *hands it to Skip*
SKIP: *read the cover* "So You've Decided to Kill a Fourty Foot Tell". Where do you get this shit?
FELIX: Uh... ?
SKIP: *smacks Felix with pamplet* Ok. You distract Tell so I can read this.
FELIX: How do you expect me to do that!?
FORTY FOOT TELL: *picks his nose*
FELIX: *sigh* Why me?
SKIP: Why not? Now go. *kick*
FELIX: I'm going! I'm going! *mutters* Damn domineering domineering dominatrix.
SKIP: *calls out* Shut up, Felix!
FORTY FOOT TELL: *scratches self*
FELIX: Ewwww...well then. I'll just...use the dark arts, yea!
RANDOM GOTH: The dark lord is coming-
FELIX: SHUT UP! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED AND MISTREATED! *rips a street meter from the sidewalk and beats goth*
RANDOM GOTH: OH GOD! IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP!
FELIX: *smack* SAY *smack* YOU'RE *smack* SORRY!
RANDOM GOTH: I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
FELIX: Hahahaha! Indeed you are! Now get moving you little cretin!
RANDOM GOTH: *flees*
FELIX: It seems bashing in their skull busted this meter up good and now the change inside is all mine.
FORTY FOOT TELL: YOU ALL SUCH MIDGETS NOW! HA! HA! HA!
FELIX: ... *loots meter* *takes off shoe, takes off sock, puts on shoe* *puts change in sock* Oh Kevin Smith[2], do not fail me now. WaaaaaaaaaaatooooooooooooOOOOOOOK! *spins sock and charges Tell*
FORTY FOOT TELL: YOU WILL NEVER PUT YOUR FEET UP ON MY CHAIR EVER AGAIN! HA! HA! HA!
FELIX: Fly, fatass, fly! *chucks sock*
SKIP: What are you doing?
FELIX: Uh...
FORTY FOOT TELL: What's this? *sock hits him in the head* ... *falls over*
SOME FRENCH DUDE NAMED JEY: *looks up* Oh fuck. I guess I shouldn't have wasted my life ripping off of other people's sites. *gets squished*
SKIP: What just happened?
FELIX: I think I killed Tell.
SKIP: Are you sure? It says here you need at least a sock and a handful of change.
FELIX: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! EAT THAT YOU SODO-MASTER!
SKIP: *kicks Felix*
FELIX: Ow! What was that for!
SKIP: For wasting my time with this stupid pamplet. We didn't need it.
FELIX: We did at the time.
SKIP: NO EXCUSES.
FELIX: It's not an excuse, it's a reason!
SKIP: Liar!
FELIX: FINE! It's an excuse of a reason!
SKIP: NO!
FELIX: A REASON FOR AN EXCUSE!
SKIP: DAMNIT-
FELIX: HALT DIE KLAPPE![3]
KIM SYNTHESIS: Do no fear, mortals. I am your new leader.
FELIX: Holy fuck.
SKIP: Who?
FELIX: Kim. Doesn't her voice make your head want to explode?
KIM SYNTHESIS: You all laughed when I gave a handjob to a football player on my now ex-boyfriend's team, but who's laughing now!?
SKIP: Yes. Do you have any Advil?
FELIX: I got something better. *takes shotgun*
SKIP: Where'd you get that?
FELIX: Plot holes appear to be interdimensional portals. You know, kind of like black holes.
SKIP: Except we, as mankind, no nothing about the contents of a black-
FELIX: HEY KIM! THIS IS FOR TRYING TO STEAL MY BOYFRIEND, AND MY FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND! *shoots her in the knee*
KIM SYNTHESIS: HAHAHAHAHA! You think that hurts!
FELIX: Holy fuck, she's turned into an unholy creature of the night.
SKIP: She wasn't before?
FELIX: Point taken.
SKIP: Let's flee with dignity.
FELIX: I got a better idea.
SKIP: What's that?
FELIX: Haven't thought of it yet.
KIM SYNTHESIS: *takes off her underwear*
FELIX: OH DEAR GOD! *puts on Zaphod Beeblebrox's sunglasses*
SKIP: Share, share!
FELIX: *gives a pair to Skip* Ok, so now we know where all the plagues came from.
SKIP: Hold your breath.
FELIX: I have been.
SKIP: OK! I got it.
FELIX: What? Do something fast, please.
KIM SYNTHESIS: *shakes her ass high in the air*
FELIX: VERY QUICKLY DO ACTION OF RELIEF, OH GOD PLEASE, I SPEAK NOW ENGRISH.
SKIP: *takes shotgun* *loads with body of christ, aka bread*
FELIX: Yea, this'll work for you. Fucking christian.
SKIP: Shut up, Felix. *shoot Kim*
KIM SYNTHESIS: NOOOOOO! *disappears and random boxes come up*
SKIP GAINS A LEVEL!
FELIX GAINS A LEVEL!
YOU FOUND 1297359568723092643803483269 IN WHATEVER UNIT OF CURRENCY THAT PROBABLY DOESN'T EXIST!
YOU FOUND A WONDERBRA!
YOU FOUND SEVERAL OBJECTS CALLED "TISSUES" THAT APPARENTLY HAVE A USE BUT YOU WILL NEVER FIND ONE!
YOU FOUND THE MEANING OF LIFF![4]
SKIP: Well, that was different.
FELIX: Onward, ho! We still have to save the world!
SKIP: Right.
*several minutes later*
FELIX: Do you even know what Talon looks like?
SKIP: No.
FELIX: THE IDEA FINALLY CAME TO ME!
SKIP: Oh?
FELIX: Yea, follow me.
*the nearest radio station*
FELIX: We're taking over.
DJ: What?
SKIP: See this golf club? Yea, the one in my hands, you see it? Do you want it to meet your face? Get my drift?
DJ: *sigh* I knew this day would come. Alright, if you so insist, you may take advantage of my virgin flesh.
SKIP: Get the FUCK out of here.
DJ: *runs*
FELIX: Ok. *taps on mic* ATTENTION, ATTENTION. I HAVE STOLEN SAGE AND AM HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE AT THE SPACE NEEDLE! COME ALONE IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR PRECIOUS PRINCE RETURNED SAFELY! End transmission. *beats mic with bat*
SKIP: Why'd you do that?
FELIX: It was Hans Solo-esque.
SKIP: You wish.
FELIX: Let's go to the Space Needle.
SKIP: Yes, let's.
FELIX: FIELD TRIP! :D
*at the Space Needle*
FELIX: *sings* So loooong, bitch who did me so wroooong, I don't wanna go ooooon, living in this world without you.
SKIP: SHUT. UP. FELIX.
FELIX: ...*munchmunch*
SKIP: Now what are you eating?
FELIX: Milk & Cereal Bar!
SKIP: *sigh*
FELIX: What! They are so scrummy...*munchmunch*
SKIP: Shh! Do you hear that?
FELIX: Hear what? I don't hear anything?
SKIP: Exactly.
FELIX: Don't look up. They always come from the ceiling.
*they look up*
TALON: GRAWWWWL! *rabid pounce*
SKIP & FELIX: *jump out of the way*
SKIP: Damnit.
FELIX: Sheet.
TALON: WHERE IS SAGE?
FELIX: Burning in the pits of HELL FOR YOUR INCEST WAYS! *throws hat*
TALON: *gets hit* OW! FUCKER! *leap*
SKIP: *kicks Talon away from Felix* Keep her busy.
FELIX: What! Not again!
SKIP: I'll be right back.
FELIX: But what am I supposed-
TALON: *pounce* *beat, beat*
FELIX: OH GOD, MY BONES! FUCKING MILK, WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE YOUR NASTY FLAVOR IN MY DIET! OH GOD, SKIIIIIP! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!
SKIP: Dodge this.
TALON: *looks up* Wha-?
SKIP: *throws Bon Ami in her eyes*
TALON: OH GOD, IT BURNS!
FELIX: DON'T STEAL THE BIG B'S PHRASES! ONLY I CAN DO THAT! *takes baseball back and beats kneecaps mercilessly*
SKIP: YOU CAUSED THE END OF THE WORLD! NOW YOU HAVE TO PERISH!
FELIX: Yea! Cuz, you know, we're angels of death and stuff.
SKIP: What? How would you know THAT?
FELIX: Online test!
SKIP: Shut up, Felix. Really. Just shut up.
FELIX: Talon.
SKIP: What about her?
FELIX: She's getting away.
SKIP: *looks* Fuck.
*chase scene ensues, imagine a combination from "Spider Man", "The Bourne Identity", "Ronin", Jackie Chan's "Who Am I?", and any "James Bond" movie - yea, it's cum in your pants action or something, maybe not, but it's definitely joygasm worthy, oh fuck, I'll shut up now*
SKIP: Put your hands up, you have no where to go.
FELIX: Lay down your weapon.
SKIP: Uh...Felix, she doesn't have a weapon.
FELIX: That's what you think. All villins have secret weapons.
TALON: That's right.
SKIP: She's pointing a gun to our heads, isn't she?
FELIX: Actually, it looks more like a phallus.
SKIP: ...
FELIX: ...
TALON: Correct! It is the dildo I use to have gay incest sex with my twin!
SKIP: ...I'm going to barf.
FELIX: ...Ever notice that if you rearrage the "c" and "s", you get insect instead of incest?
SKIP: Oh god, shut up, Felix. We're going to die in a most despicable manner, and all you can talk about is the new meanings of words when you rearrange some of the letters? Don't you pray?
FELIX: HellllLLLOOO. Atheist here. I'm pointless, wayward, and eternally damned.
SKIP: I am not going to pity you.
FELIX: That's ok, because neither am I.
TALON: Hey! I'm holding you up by dildo-point! Do NOT ignore me!
FELIX: Execute plan AlphaCentauri125B.
SKIP: What?
FELIX: Observe. *takes out ninja star* *throws ninja star* *ninja star imbeds itself in Talon's eye* *Talon drops dildo* See?
SKIP: Sweet. *beats Talon while she's down* THIS IS FOR THE END OF THE WORLD! *beat, beat*
FELIX: *plays with matches* *drops a match on Talon* Opps.
TALON: *combusts*
SKIP: *beats flaming and charred corpse*
FELIX: *plays with a jar of flesh eatting ants* *accidently drops them* Opps.
TALON: *gets eatten by ants*
SKIP: *stops beating* Oh. My. God.
FELIX: What?
SKIP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SHE'S ANT SHIT NOW!
FELIX: ...
SKIP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
FELIX: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SKIP: We saved the world.
FELIX: Indeed, we did!
SKIP: Let's watch DBZ now.
FELIX: Ok!
*they go home and watch DBZ* *when the show ends, there's a knock on the door*
SKIP: Yes?
SOME DELIVERY DUDE: This is for one Skip, and one Felix?
SKIP: Skip is me.
SOME DELIVERY DUDE: Sign here.
SKIP: *signs*
FELIX: Who was that?
SKIP: Just some delivery dude, he brought something for us.
FELIX: Oo! Present! Open, open, open!
SKIP: Okay! Calm down already, spastic!
FELIX: :D
SKIP: It's a plaque.
FELIX: COOL! What does it say!
SKIP: It reads:

To the two best heroines of this day and age, we would like to congratulate and thank you.
Without you, the world could not continue to be such a crappy place as it is.
Your efforts were not fruitless, your endevours have not been unheard of.
Genghis Skip, and Felix Bonaparte, we would like to express our gratitude with this lame ass plaque.

Forever Yours,
The Oklahoma City Bomber, The Dude Who Supposedly Shot JFK, O.J. Simpson, Osama bin Laden,
and George W. Bush

May a flock of gorgeous virgins shower you with a many lotus blossoms.

FELIX: Well, that was sweet of them.
SKIP: Yea...
FELIX: I think that about wraps this up.
SKIP: Yea. It was fun while it lasted.
FELIX: You lie.
SKIP: Indeed, I do.
FELIX: OMFG!
SKIP: What?
FELIX: I told Thomas I was playing Hide and Seek with him before all this happened!
SKIP: So?
*Thomas' hiding place*
TOM: Ha...she'll never find me...never...three days...without food or water...resources running thin...must eat meat...desperate times call for desperate measures...*gnaws on shirt*
*Skip's house*
SKIP: ...
FELIX: ...
SKIP: *shrug*
FELIX: :D

tHe EnD

[1] I commend you if you caught this Ghostbusters reference.
[2] Also known as Silent Bob.
[3] Nice way to say "shut up" in German.
[4] Rest in peace, Douglas Adams...bravo if you caught the H2G2 reference.