St. Peter's Day Off

WARNING: THIS STORY IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYONE- IT IS SIMPLY AN IDEA OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF (SUPPOSING ST. PETER EXISTED, OF COURSE) ST. PETER TOOK A DAY OFF.

Morning dawned on the pearly gates as Mount Olympus on earth moved into the sun. Saint Peter slumped over on his podium, letting the warm sun wash over his tired body. He had been up all night again taking care of a group killed on a tour bus in Israel. Even though he was immortal, all this terrorism was giving him way too much work to handle. For the first time since he had been given his job as gatekeeper of heaven, Peter was beginning to wish he had not been given this duty. Even eternal pain was better than staying up all night telling crying wives that they were allowed to go to heaven, but their good for nothing husbands had really been cheating on them and had to go to hell.

It wasn't that Peter didn't enjoy his job- he got to send the evil ones to their doom, and reward the innocent and good. Yet somehow recently there seemed to be more and more hell bound, and for petty things like lust or disbelief. In the good old days people took their time coming to the pearly gates, and Peter got to rest every once in a while. Ah yes. the days when Jesus still came out to visit him every once in a while, and God smiled on the earth. but now that His creations had told him to butt out like insolent teenagers, the Devil was getting more and more quota, and the endless stream of people didn't stop.

Peter looked up from his day dreaming and saw that the long line was beginning to grow restless. With a sigh he returned to his work. However, as he explained to a little girl why her brother wouldn't be joining her in heaven, he made a mental note to ask God for a day off.

That night, Peter put up his "Talking to God, will be back in 20 minutes" sign, and entered the pearly gates. He flew to the center of the peaceful scene to find the Father in a bubble bath pouting. Averting his eyes respectfully, Peter began to ask his simple favor- to take a day off.

"Sir, I was wondering."

"SILENCE! I know what you wish- I am omnipotent, you know- and all I have to say is- I don't give a damn what you do if it has to do with those awful ingrates down on earth. Let them sit out and wait for a while. Maybe then they'll stop blaming me for their terrible lives. It's not my fault they don't believe in me. I just want to take a nice bubble bath without being bothered once with a prayer asking to win the lottery or get away with an affair. Now go do your job or I'll send you back to that nasty planet." God proclaimed testily and conjured up some shower curtains, which he proceeded to close quite harshly.

Peter flew back to his post dejectedly, wondering how him taking a day off would affect the world, and whether he could actually get away with it.