The Newlyweds
By
Ryan Rose

7/30/1998
Sheriff Walt Turner looked at the couple in front of him. They'd come in that morning to report a UFO sighting.
They were a young couple, in their twenties. Probably newlyweds, he thought. The girl was a tall brunette with beautiful blue eyes. She was really pretty. The boy was a blond, also with blue eyes. But the sheriff didn't give a damn whether the boy's eyes were pretty or not, let alone the rest of him. He was focusing on the girl. There was alot to focus on. He liked focusing.
"Alright, now tell me what happened."
The boy spoke. "Well, sir, you see, she and I were driving down Morris Rd. around ten last night and we decided to go-uh-parking."
Turner heard a slight shuffle of cloth and saw the look of pain on the boy's face. There was going to be a bruise in the morning.
"Anyway, we were parked, and the radio was playing. Then it just shut off. All of a sudden we saw two bright beams of light in the sky. They slowly pointed at us, then came closer to the ground. Then they stopped. We got out of the car and slowly walked toward it. We could see an outline behind the lights. It was the UFO.
"Then a hatch or a door opened and something stepped out. It was about six feet tall, and fat. One arm wasn't even an arm. There was part of an arm with two metal rods coming out where the hand would be. The other arm had a hand and it was holding something. I think it was some sort of radio, because I saw it put it up to its mouth and say something. Then it looked at us and said: 'Gwon.' Then it put the radio up to its mouth again. Then it looked at us again and made some unearthly sound. I don't think a human could ever make it. It sounded like a growl. Then it said: 'Icé gwon.' Then it pointed its rod-hand thingamajig at us. There was a flash like a bolt of lightning and a roar as loud as thunder. We ran back to the car and left."
Turner said he'd look into it. He would, too. He lived on Morris Rd., and he hadn't seen anything strange. He'd heard the thunder, but it was deer season. He'd heard gunshots before. This one just happened to coincide with a close encounter of the... would this be third or fourth kind? He asked them for their number.
That night he did a little investigating. What he found amused him.

* * *

"That wasn't a UFO you saw. It wasn't even flying."
"What was it?"
"It was Jim Waters in his old beat up truck."
"But the radio. And we saw it land."
"The local radio station and the local TV station are owned by the same people. They both go off the air at ten. This is, after all, a rinky-dink little town. As for the landing, he was on top of a hill. He just drove to the bottom."
"His radio?"
"Beer can."
"Then that unearthly noise was... a belch?"
Turner nodded his head. "His 'rod-hand thingamajig' was a shotgun."
"But why would he shoot at us?"
"You were on his property. All that stuff he was saying to you sounded that way because he was drunk. He was slurring his speech. He was really saying: 'Go on. I said go on."
The sheriff heard the rustle of cloth and saw the look of pain on the boy's face. That bruise wasn't getting better anytime soon. He heard the girl whisper: "I told you so." He just had to laugh. That poor kid had let his mind get away from him, thinking Jim Waters was an alien. Actually, now that he thought about it, he was pretty damn close to being an alien.
Then there was a bright light and he saw the look of horror on their faces as he was pulled from his seat. As he rose toward the ceiling, he started to wonder if it was Jim Waters that they saw. Just before he was sucked into the spaceship, he noticed that he had a perfect view down the front of the girl's dress, and he focused on that. He liked focusing.