The happiness, poems, and messages continues for about 2 months after she got ICQ. Sure I did not talk much, but simply seeing her online brought me warmth enough. I dreamt a lot about her, but none as exciting and detailed as the first one. Finally, one message came when I deliberate asked her if she had a boyfriend, to which she replied "Yes I do, I'll tell you about it next time" I was heartbroken, I sat down and wrote, for the first time, to a diary. **Diary** Dear Diary:

I have to stop writing poems; it makes me seem so feminine. I mean, it is like being romantic is not good anymore, intelligence is a turnoff, all girls ever care about seem to be the money and the looks. I don't have either, so that basically dooms me to a continuous, vicious cycle of rejection. I seem to be content, and even happy at times, but my heart is really breaking inside. I do not know what is wrong with me, perhaps it is because I am too much of a diehard romantic. Throughout all the years that I have been brought up, I have always been taught that it is a good thing. Today, August 1, 2002, I have learned that it is not true. Guys are supposed to be "manly", so they should not do any of those sappy stuff, writing poems, etc, etc. I think what it means to be a manly guy now is to ask the girl's breast size every 2 minutes and to be superficial as hell. That is just stupid. The actual people who put a bit of what we call affection in a relationship is starting to be considered as stupid, what kind of world is that? Arrogance. yes... I have to admit, I am arrogant at times, and I know I should change that. But, when you have no more self- confidence, you need something to feel better about, for me, it is my grades. Yeah, I'm depressed, and cannot help it. No, it is not only because of that stupid girl who did not want me. It is something else, like this. horrid disease that I feel is taking over the world, the disease of superficiality. That was girlish I know, but I had to say it. So I guess I should just go to every half-decent girl I can find and use some corny pick- up lines. That should be what a true guy is like. Getting slapped, Picking up whores, wow. awesome life. Where is the emotion, the romance that you envy in books and movies? I should delete this after I write it, what kind of a guy is one with a diary? Being nice is a crime, being smart is a crime, what a harsh world. All the other guys, I should interview them. see what kind of people they are. Normal, that's the way to go. I should get some of those nice anti-depressant pills, see if they help. Having fun, screw up, go get some girl pregnant, hang out, abandon your studies, I mean , life is so short, you should enjoy it, right? Being gentlemanlike, psh, sure it seems like thatz nice, but. I dun think anyone notices it. I will just blend in, just another guy walking down the street that no one will ever notice. Vanessa Carlton's "thousand miles" would really describe how I would be in the crowd. Being patient sucks too, so many guys are impatient, maybe if I am normal, impatient, superficial, and just a regular joe I might get a nice girl. Nice girl ends up with shitty guys anyways. Why should I try so hard on everything, no point. We are all just slaves of society, of conformity, of money, of our own shallowness and stupidity. Acting dumb is good, ignorance is bliss. Acting dumb also makes you seem to have a lot of potential. Girls like this kind of shit, smart guys don't get the girls, they get too scared of their intelligence. Oh well, (dumb and superficial me talking) I can just grab myself some pussy if I pay up. I try to be nice and people think I am gay, I really need someone to explain to me what to be a guy means. Well, thatz all I really have to say, this is probably the least superficial thing ill ever say. Tomorrow. I am going to be a hedonist, cruising the world looking for fun, and of course the hot chicks with the cash, I might get slapped, but who cares, does not seem like anyone else does.