7Once upon a time, there was a man named Roland. One day, he was sitting in his house, watching TV, when he suddenly decided to go for a walk. He got up, stepped out the door, and started to walk through the woods that he lived in. Suddenly, he saw a little girl wearing a red cape and hood. He snorted in disgust.
"Ugh, wear did she get that awful outfit? The dumpster of Target?"
He walked over to her. "Hey, where did you get that dishrag you're wearing on your head?"
The little girl's eyes welled with tears of anger. "Ooooh! You're mean! My Gramma made this for me all by herself! I'm gonna go find a wolf and tell him to eat you up!" With that, she stomped off, back the way she came. Roland wasn't sure whether allowing a little girl to go off looking for a wolf by herself was a good idea or not, but he finally shrugged and went on his way.
He continued walking, and the he saw a pig and a dog. It was a perfectly normal pig, but it seemed that the dog was stalking the pig. When the pig saw the dog, it squealed a little, sprouted wings, and flew away, leaving the disappointed dog on the ground. Roland barely even took notice of these things, since he just assumed that he was going insane, which he was.
As he continued, he noticed that his stomach was growling. "Boy am I hungry. Oh, look! A house!" He ran over to a little cottage that was hidden behind a clump of trees. "I betcha they've got food!" He peeked in the windows to see if anyone was home. The only person he could see was an extremely hairy woman wearing a nighty that was almost as hideous as the little girl's cape. "I guess that's the little girl's grandma. geez, not only does she have no fashion sense, she also has no good looks!"
Just then, who should pop in the door but the little girl herself, her face still stained with tears. She decided to make herself feel better by pointing out all of her grandmother's most beautiful points. "Oh Grandma, what gorgeous big eyes you have!"
The grandmother blushed modestly. "They're big so that they're better to see you with, not to make me beautiful, dear."
Roland's stomach growled, reminding him that he was hungry. "Maybe there's a back entrance to the kitchen." he wondered to himself.
"Oh, but Grandma! What big ears you have!" the little girl continued.
"All the better to see you with, my dear," replied the old woman, refusing to give in to vanity.
"And Grandma! What marvelous big white teeth you have!"
On an impulse, the old woman replied, "All the better to eat you with, dearie."
A look of terror spread over the little girl's face. "W-wh-wha."
At that point, Roland decided that he'd better hurry up and find the kitchen. He was getting reeeeeeeeally hungry. He went around back and stepped in the door. He ransacked the fridge, carefully ignoring the screams of the little girl being chased by her hairy grandmother. Finally, there was one loud "BANG!" from the other room, and then silence. Roland was starting to feel uncomfortable, so he made some PB&J sandwiches and stepped quietly out the door.
"Yum!" he said, taking a bite out of one of the sandwiches. "Boy, I really needed that." It was at that moment that his life changed forever. Standing nearby on the forest path was the most beautiful girl in the world, even though she was only about eight years old. She has gorgeous blonde curls cascading down her back like liquid sunshine, and eyes that looked like a sea of diamonds.
Suddenly, her face scrunched into an expression of disgust. "Ugh! Disgusting!" she squealed. Roland's face fell. "But my darling! What ever is the matter?" She looked at him as though he were a red green bean. "Number one: Why did you just call me darling? And number two: Those sandwiches! The "jelly" is human blood, the "peanut butter" is human skin, and the "bread" is made from ground up human bones!"
Roland stared at her blankly. "And..?" She rolled her eyes. "You shouldn't be eating that when I, a poor little girl, is so hungry!" With that, she snatched the sandwiches from his hands and started stuffing them into her mouth. There were quite a few sandwiches, so Roland had a good chance to observe the little girl.
"I will wait for her. Maybe ten years. Yes, she'll be older, and then I'll propose. We'll be sooooooooooo happy."
He was so deep in thought, that at first he didn't notice the extremely odd things that were happening to her. He golden hair was turning greasy and brown, her eyes were turning red, and her ears were starting to look a little like a fox's. It wasn't until she spoke and he saw her pointy little vixen teeth that he realized what had happened: she changed into a demon!
She hissed a little and then yelled at Roland, "Now look what you've done! I have to be constantly transforming, or I'll turn back into THIS! First I was a little girl, then I was a pig, then I was a flying pig, then I was a wolf, then I was a little girl. There used to be another wolf." here she giggled slightly, "but I turned him into this!" She held up a wriggling green caterpillar, which she then pocketed.
She continued yelling. "That's right!" She waved a red fist at him. "It's all your fault! Distracting me with those sandwiches!" Inside her head, she was mentally poking at Roland's beer belly and licking her lips. "We've got us a juicy one."
Roland was mentally sweeping her off her feet and flying through the clouds with winged pigs. "I love her. Did I say that out loud?"
"Say what out loud?"
"That I loved you!"
"You love me?"
"Duh!"
"Really?" The little demon girl looked slyly from side to side. "Do you want to come home and meet my parents?"
"Do I ever!"
And so the love swept Roland and the hungry demon girl tramped off through the woods together. Finally, they arrived at another small cottage. The demon girl opened the door and they stepped inside. There were two beds. In one was Medusa, and in the other was a werewolf.
"Yep," the little girl said with a sigh. "My dad's blind, otherwise he would've been stone a looooooooooong time ago."
Roland stared at the sleeping figures, but he wasn't really looking. Something deep inside of him was awakening. but what was it? It was telling him to run, to go away from these people. Suddenly, he realized. It was his common sense kicking in! Quick as a flash, he was out the door, running like his life depended on it, which it did.
When he finally stopped running, his common sense had gone back into hibernation, and he began to pine over the little girl with blonde curls, even if she was a demon. He began to search for her.
Meanwhile, the little demon girl was searching for HIM. She couldn't get that enormous gut of his out of her mind. Days later, she was sitting in the middle of a beautiful field, he once again blonde hair streaming down her back and blowing in the wind. It was there that Roland saw her, totally consumed by love.
"Wait! No! Stop, you idiot!" Roland stopped short. A voice seemed to be shouting into his right ear. "She wants to EAT you! Run for your life!" Roland realized that this was quite true, and he had begun backing away, when. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" This time, the voice was in his left ear. "Don't you luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuve her? Come on! Be a man! GO GET THAT BABE!"
"Yeah!" Roland began to run to her, ignoring the voice in his right ear. Suddenly, he heard a voice he just couldn't ignore.
"WHERE. HAVE. YOU. BEEN? I've been worried sick! You go for a walk, and then I don't see you for a week! What's UP with that?"
Roland turned around, slowly. "Mildred?"
"Yes! Me! Mildred! YOUR WIFE!"
Suddenly, his mind cleared. He had been so awestruck by the little blonde girl that he had forgotten that he was already taken. Darn. But he had no more time to think about it, because at that moment, his wife's piercing shriek filled the air. He turned just in time to see the little demon girl licking her lips as she hunched over the lifeless body of his wife.
"That was a great appetizer. Now, for the main course."
As the girl began to approach him, two thoughts dominated his mind. One was, "I'm single! Now I can marry that beautiful little girl!" and the other was, "SHE'S GOING TO EAT ME!"
While Roland internally battled with his enormous lust, a huge cloud of red smoke started to seep out of the ground. He barely had time to notice how odd that was, when who should appear in the cloud, but the Wicked Witch of the West!
"I'll get you my pretty!" she shouted to the little demon girl, who was no longer advancing on Roland. "And I'll get HIM too!" she added with a cackle, pointing at Roland.
"No way! Do you REALIZE how much TIME and EFFORT it took to get this meal? He's mine, and you can't have him!"
"Oh, come ON! Like I care about YOUR time and effort! All I know is that he's here, and that's all that matters!"
While they were arguing, Roland felt an odd, yet familiar sensation. He felt an urge to sneak off while they were fighting. but why? They were just going to eat him. "Oh!" Roland thought to himself. Once again, his common sense came to he rescue, and he managed to dash off without either of the hungry ladies noticing.
Once again, Roland was wandering around in the woods, alone, and once again, his common sense had faded away. Fickle little thing. He was so distracted by his sudden love that he had forgotten about the two flesh- eating gals who were pursuing him.
At this moment they were only a short way off. However, in her hurry, the little demon girl had clumsily stumbled over a couple of brownies. This would have been no big, but they were carrying Fairy Dust, and it spilled all over the little demon girl. Thus, she was doomed to fall desperately in love with the first man she saw.
She stumbled into the clearing, and it was as though her eyes had been opened.
"Oh, Roland! I love you!"
They fell into each other's arms, sobbing with joy. They immediately began to plan the wedding, as soon as the little demon girl revealed that she wasn't really a little girl; she was twenty-four. They offered to let the Wicked Witch be a bridesmaid, but she turned down the offer and walked off in a huff. The lovebirds didn't seem to mind.
It was odd; all through the wedding, the demon girl twitched and sometimes grunted a little. Everyone pretended not to notice except for Roland; he really didn't notice. He was in a state of pure, ignorant bliss. The demon girl's mind, however, was in a state of turmoil. All he instincts were shouting, "Eat him! Eeeeeeeat him!" But her mind replied, "I love him! I looooooooooooooooooooove him!"
Finally, just before the ceremony was over, just before the kiss, she couldn't take it anymore. She transformed into a demon and saliva dripped from her mouth, full of little, pointy teeth. Roland didn't even notice. He leaned over to kiss her when.
"BAM!"
Everyone jumped in surprise. Standing between man and wife was a fully- grown wolf, which stood, panting for breath.
"It's. about. time. I've. been. in. that girl's. pocket. for a. week! I. HATE. being. a. cater. pillar!"
Suddenly, the wolf's stomach started to growl loudly.
"Hungry. Aha!"
With that, he leapt on top of the poor little demon girl and ate her, chewing each bite fifteen times before swallowing. When he was finished, Roland awakened from the daze he had been in.
"You. ate. my. wife!"
Roland raised the machete that he just happened to have been holding and brought it down with one strong blow, neatly slicing off the wolf's head. Tears flowed down his face, onto the ground. They formed a little river. Roland did not know it, but his tears swept up a seed, the only seed of its kind, and brought it to fertile ground. It sprouted and grew into the only tree of its kind: the Tree of Life.
But Roland honest to goodness didn't care about some stupid tree. He hacked up the wolf's body and tried to get some pieces of his wife, who had been living and breathing such a short time before. He soon tired of that, since the wolf's insides were pretty stinky. Instead, he asked the dude who did the wedding if he could do the funeral. The minister agreed, but when Roland learned that a double funeral had a cheaper rate than that of a normal one, he decided to hold of until he could find his first wife's body.
"I will go on a quest," he decided, and off he went, in search of Mildred's body.
He went tramping off through the woods in a random direction; that's how quests happen, right? Sure. Anyways, he eventually decided that he needed to set up camp. He built up a nice fire, skewered a few brownies and set them up on the rotisserie. Meanwhile, he figured that he needed some fruits and vegetables so that he would grow up big and strong, or why ever it is that people eat that kind of stuff.
It just so happens that he was camped nearby to a certain tree; it was call the Tree of Life. The fruit looked pretty yummy, so he picked one.
"I don't know what it is. it might be poisonous. aww, what the heck."
He took an enormous bite out of the fruit. "Yummy!"
Roland had gotten started on eating his brownies, which weren't very good, when the second most unexpected person in the world showed up: the wolf. (The first is Mildred.) Roland picked up his skewer, and then he realized that it would be no good against a ghost and tossed it aside.
"Do you realize what you just ate?"
Roland suddenly felt uncomfortable.
"Er, no. do you?"
"That is the fruit from the Tree of Life," replied the wolf.
"Really? Sweet!"
"It's poisonous."
"Oh, my eyes! My eyes! They burn! My legs! I feel weak! Help me! Help me! My ears are ringing!" Roland wailed as he dramatically wheeled around in a complete circle and fell to the ground.
"I could've sworn I killed you," snarled Roland.
"You did!" replied the wolf, cheerfully. "I just ate some fruit from the Tree of Life, and here I am!"
"But you were DEAD! How could you eat anything? And why would a poisonous tree be of any help to you?"
"But there are dead people," whispered the wolf. "They're everywhere. they walk around just like normal-"
"Ok, ok, I get it!"
"Plus, it's only poisonous if you're ALIVE, genius."
"Ooooooh, I gotcha. So what DO you want?"
"AHH!" the wolf yelled suddenly, falling onto the ground, moaning.
"What's wrong?" Roland asked, not too concerned.
"I need. more. fruit!"
"Oh well, too bad."
"Help me!"
"Yeah, right." Roland rolled and tried to ignore the wolf's pitiful moans, which eventually faded away. "I guess he went off to find someone to help him."
The night was silent. Roland looked around in despair. He only had two hours left to live. and he could think of nothing else but his wife, the little devil girl. He was alone and confused and dying, and all he could think of was the girl who wanted to eat him.
"After all, I DID love her."
"But she wanted to EAT me!"
"It would have been a sacrifice worthy of true love!"
"You're insane!"
"Who are YOU calling insane? Take that!"
"Ow! You hit me!"
"You hit yourself, dork!"
"Don't call me a dork! Take THAT!"
"Ow!"
Roland became so busy with beating himself up that he didn't even notice that a unicorn was standing nearby, staring at him. Finally, the beautiful white creature spoke up.
"What are DOING, you weirdo!?" he snorted in a deep, horsy voice.
Roland didn't have time to reply, because just at that moment, a man jumped into the clearing where they stood. Or it looked like a man. He was wearing no clothes (zero, nada, zip) and his thick, tangled black hair came down to his ankles. In his big, grimy hands he held a gun with a bayonet, which he had apparently stolen from the Civil War Museum.
"Jungle Bob get horn!" With those words, the jungle-man skewered the unicorn through the heart and then cut off its horn in a bloody mess. He gave a farewell cry of, "Jungle Bob got horn!" and ran off.
"Hey, Roland."
Roland wheeled around at the sound of the calm, low voice.
"I just wanted to tell you, there's only one cure for eating the fruit of the Tree of Life. But you're in luck; I've got the only four that exist in the world."
"What are they? Ooooooooooooh, my tummy hurts, oooooooooooooh.."
"Boogey flavored jellybeans."
"Really? Gimme! I'm dyyyyyyyying!"
"Here." the mysterious stranger fed one of the jellybeans the Roland, who slumped on the ground for a moment, feeling the pain being washed away.
"However can I thank." But the man was gone. Instead, who arrived but the Wicked Witch of the West.
"Who was HE? He was pretty cute. I mean, not that he could compare to YOU Roland. You're so brave, avenging your wife like that; I think you're just about the most wonderful man I know."
"Um, what do you want?"
The witch batted her eyes and tried her best to look demure, which is hard for someone who has a nose that one can see with both eyes at the same time without even crossing them. "I was wondering. do you want to. maybe... go out and. have some fun tonight?"
Roland looked rather taken aback. "Go out? With YOU? I mean, no thanks, busy, looking for Mildred's body and all."
The Wicked Witch gave him a crestfallen look and turned and fled, with tears in her eyes. Oh well.
A very disturbed Roland got up to continue his search for his wife. In his desperation, he went to a graveyard and began to dig up random graves.
"Nope, this one's been dead too long. This one's not my wife."
After a while, he decided that his quest was futile. "I'm bored. better go see what's on TV." And so Roland hiked through the forest, walked through his door, and flopped onto his cozy chair. He picked up the remote and flipped on the TV.
"Mass destruction throughout the area. Buildings collapsed, bridges destroyed. Madwoman responsible." at this point, a picture that Roland recognized as his own little demon girl flashed across the screen.
"Huh, that's my wife!" he said with a goofy grin.
"Witnesses have reported that as she released the fatal beams of fire energy, she was shouting something. What's that? Yes, we now know that she was shouting: "I'm going to get you Roland! I'll get you if it's the last thing I do!' Channel eight news would like to advise this Roland fellow, whoever he is, to run; run fast; run far; and run SOON."
"Boooooooooriiiiiiiiiiing." groaned Roland as he flipped channels to Monday night football. However, realization slowly crept through his mind and fear gripped his heart. "Roland. That's. ME!"
He leapt up from his chair and dashed out the door. Unfortunately, what with his bad sense of direction, he was running directly in the direction from which the little demon girl was coming for him. He ran into the woods, ran into the front door of Grandma's house just as his wife ran in the back. They were in the living room when they saw each other.
Suddenly, waves of love seemed to melt their hearts and they fell into each other's arms. It wasn't until then that they noticed that the room was full of jungle men holding guns with bayonets. They had apparently taken over Grandma's house, but that wasn't important. That giant stewpot on the other side of the room was important.
"Oh, Roland! What will we do?" the sweet little demon girl wailed.
"Don't worry. We have each other; that's all that matters."
Then and there they had their first kiss. It was the kiss that the wolf had robbed them of at the wedding; only now both people fully felt the love in their relationship, and no desire to eat the other.
It wasn't until they released each other and heard the final thud that they realized what they had done. Filled with disgust and embarrassment, all of the jungle men except two had fainted and fallen to the ground. One of the men still standing was the leader; the other one was grinning, showing every one of what few teeth he had. It was he who spoke first.
"Jungle Bob think you soooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuute!"
"Big Jungle Leader think Jungle Bob an idiot!" shouted the leader, banging Jungle Bob on the head with his gun.
Roland and his true love only just comprehended what had happened, when a red cloud started to seep out of the ground.
"Oh no, not her!" Roland moaned, but it was too late. The Wicked Witch of the West had appeared, and she was grinning from ear to ear.
"Don't worry Roland, love, I'll save you from the nasty jungle men! While I'm at it, I'll tell you your fortune!"
"That's OK." Roland managed to get out between his gritted teeth before she swept him up onto her broom and with a soft "pop!" they had disappeared from the room. When they reappeared, they were in a small, dark cave. In the middle of the room was a small table with a crystal ball on it. Roland and the witch were seated on either side of it.
"Gaze into the crystal ball. come on. come ON!" Nothing was appearing in the cloudy sphere. "What's WRONG with this thing?"
"Where did you get that thing?" Roland asked, doubtful of its powers.
"Sears, where else?"
Roland blinked.
"Well? Come on! I haven't got all day! Figure out what's wrong with it!"
And so Roland checked everything he could think of. It was round; that was good. It was relatively clear; he thought that might help. It was plugged in and everything.
"Batteries!" the witch finally exclaimed. "It needs three triple A batteries! I'd better go on a quest to find them!"
"Go on a quest? To find BATTERIES?"
"Are you questioning my judgment? Stay here, I won't be long."
And so the witch flew off on her broom. Unfortunately, all the stores in the area happened to be out of triple A batteries.
Back at the cave, Roland was sitting, twiddling his thumbs and trying to figure out why he wasn't trying to escape.
"Maybe that which knows something I don't know."
Back on the battery quest, as a last resort, the witch had gotten out her Quest-O-Meter. It showed her where to find things that people were on quests for, and if she got lucky, she might find some batteries. She saw that there was something showing up on the meter that was nearby, and decided to check it out.
Inside the cave, Roland was fed up with waiting. He tried to stand up, only to find that he was chained to a large boulder.
"So THAT'S what she knew that I didn't know."
He picked up a rock, which he used to smash his chains, and then he was running free, searching for his true love.
The witch, at that same time, was approaching the field where she and Roland had first met. She eventually landed and saw the body of Mildred, which Roland had been on a quest for.
"Darn! I should have guessed!" At that moment, her senses told her that Roland had escaped. She immediately teleported to the area.
"Roland!" yelled the little demon girl.
"My darling! How did you escape from the jungle men?"
"Oh, Roland, you silly! You know perfectly well that I could have blown up that entire forest if I wanted to!"
Roland turned a little pale.
"You could have?"
"I DID blow up those buildings, sweet. But I was really bored with explosions, so I decided to practice my karate moves!"
"Did you now?"
"Yep. Poor guys didn't know what hit 'em." She sighed pityingly. "Those jungle men need a serious boost of self-esteem. Maybe if they were giving back to society."
"I've got it! We can get them all jobs at McDonalds!" Roland shouted with glee.
"Oh Roland, that's perfect!"
At that moment, the Wicked Witch of the West cleared her throat loudly.
"EHEM! What about me? I'm hungry AND I don't have a husband! And worse yet, tonight's a full moon!" With these last words, she glanced nervously into the sky, laying eyes on the moon just as it came out from behind the clouds. "AHHHHHHH!" she yelled. Slowly, her pale green skin turned into lovely gray fur. As she stood before them, a wolf, the OTHER wolf arrived.
Roland stared at the wolf, shocked. "Y-you-you're alive!"
"You bet I am!" the wolf said cheerfully. Then he spotted the wicked witch (although he didn't know that was who it was). "Gahgah!" he said, eyes bulging.
"That works for me!" the witch said, and they trotted off through the woods together.
At the same time, Roland and the demon girl walked slowly off in the other direction. Everything was so calm. But something was missing.
"Now, what about poor Mildred's body?" Roland moaned to his wife, not wishing to imagine the gore
"It's in the field, duh! We can have the minister send someone over to get it, I'm sure it's quite gross by now."
They walked up the steps to the house, entered the open doorway, and flopped down on the couch in front of the glowing TV set.
"But there are so many things. What about Grandma? What about the poisonous Tree of Life? What about the triple A batteries?"
"What about them?" the girl whispered in Roland's ear. "All that matters right now is that' we're together, and that we can have OUR 'happily ever after.'"
"Oh, and by the way, after all we've been through together. attacks by wolves, true love, getting married. Well, I still don't know your name."
"WWHHAATT?" The little demon girl jumped up, looking truly outraged. "After ALL THAT? Can't you even take a GUESS?"
"Uhh." Roland put on his goofiest grinned and hoped he would still be alive in fifteen seconds. "Rumplestiltskin?"
Oddly, all the little demon girl's anger seemed to vanish. "How ever did you guess?" She snuggled down next to him on the couch. "I have the smartest, most talented husband of anyone I know. Did you know that Roland?"
Roland still didn't understand one word of what she had said. "Your name is Rumplestiltskin? Me, smart? You lost me."
Rumplestiltskin smiled. "Oh, just be quiet and kiss me."
Roland smiled. He got that one. "Can do."
~*~Author's Note~*~ Roland and Rumplestiltskin eventually had three children together, named Red, Riding, and Hood. Unfortunately, historians believe that wolf pups ate them, under a full moon.