- 3/08/03 - introduction and love life section
- 3/13/03 - introduction and new rant section after music interests
- 3/20/03 - rants
- 4/02/03 - rants
- 4/07/03 - rants ... again
- 4/17/03 - love life … finally no left overs!
- 4/25/03 - rants … but not the pissy kind
Let me take this time to tell you a bit about myself. I am a student at Cal State, Fullerton. My major is Radio-TV-Film and hope someday to work for a major production company. Or more of a dream is to have my own! I write because if I didn't I'd be very bitter. I love reading anime fics (from G to NC-17ratings), and poetry. Occasionally I find myself in the TV/Movie selections but I stick with anime mostly. My interests are Hockey, Anime, Movies, Men ^_^, Music, Chinese and Thai food, Socks, Cats, and FUN!!! What else do you want to know about my life??? Hmmm … well that’s nice, but this is all that I am going to tell you.
I'll add that my poetry might seem a bit random. As in that they never seem to have a set form or meter or scheme. I write what ever comes to mind. I hardly ever review or edit them either. One reason for that is I believe that reviewing it and altering things changes that original thoughts and purpose of the free flow of ideas. The second is that after editing I have the tendency to edit it to the point that it is unrecognizable from the original and I just chuck it out. I'd rather have a crappy thought posted than not having the courage to post it. So, that’s my poem 'policy'.
I have a question and a plea to pose to those of you that read my poems. The question is this. In my early poems I wrote semi-long notes at the end of each. For the last poems, they have been absent. Do you, the readers, enjoy the notes, enjoy their absence, or would like shortened notes? It is up to you. Please, if any one is reading this, and you care to share your impute, please email me. Thanks! Oh yeah, and Please Review as much as you can! I very much enjoy responding to reviews and discussing topics of interest. So please, drop me a line whenever. Thanks!
My family is fairly functional, I love them, but I usually don't like them, and they usually don't like me so it works out. My parents were really strict when I was young, and since seem to forget that I exist at times. My brother, well we get along for a while and then we are at each other's throats the next. I relate to my dad more then my mom, I guess we share more in common than me and my mom would. I am closer to her though, simply because I see her more than I do my dad. We aren't poor and we certainly aren't rich. We are the comfortable in the middle of the middle class.
School was hell in elementary, and decent in high school, and working out pretty well in college. I hate to sound like a bitter, whiny little girl who can't let the past be the past, but that’s what I am! I am bitter that I, and people like me, had to put up with the treatment that we got. Children can be cruel, yes, but no one has to put up with it. As a result of my elementary days, I am who I am today. This is because I learned not to trust people my age, and carried that over into my high school days. There I learned that people can be trusted with reservations and exceptions made. However I still remained guarded. Never letting no more than two or three people know the whole real me. Now in college, I am just a social security number. It is so impersonal that there is little to no opportunity to meet people, and because I just don't feel the need to.
With my lack of trusting people, family and friends included, I have developed my personality. It could be viewed as severely "split". I have so many I could have "splintered" personalities. I am one person to one friend, another to a different friend, and totally different to my family. That may seem normal behavior, especially acting differently to friends and family, but it is more complicated than that. I am a fake in my own eyes, and can never seem to pin point what is truly how I am. I am so many things at once, that everything is distorted beyond repair. I am who I am though. What that is though is yet to be determined. I am a girl, I am short, I am funny, I am dramatic, I am hyper, I am emotional, I am strong, I am loud, I am annoying, I am loving, I am spiritual, I am confusing, I am so many contradictory things all in one tiny little "me" sized package.
I went to catholic private school all my life, and since then have come to believe in the catholic faith, but with reservations. My favorite movie is CONTACT, and Ellie, played by Jodie Foster, or how she is at the end of the movie, sums up my outlook on faith at the moment. You could say I believe, but its just faith, there is something missing though, whether I am looking for proof or something grander is yet to be determined.
Now I'll tell you about the juicy part of my life, my love life, or lack there of one. I will not mention names of those that I have loved or presently love, but I will explain how relationships with others have effected me. Relationships with my friends are very complicated. I had one true friend in elementary school, and one that was there when I needed someone to get me through the end. In high school I gained the friendship of a handful of people. Presently those friendships have worn thin, but there are still those that are life long bonds. I treasure my friends and hold with me every experience with them dear to my heart. Those experiences that were not so dear, and more along the line of torturous, are even closer in my mind. I hold grudges. I will hold them until I am cold in my grave. And I hope my friends understand that, but I love them no less. Confusing? Well, hold on it'll get worse probably. Love? Well, I have been in love twice. Presently I am not, and may not ever again, or at least for a long while. My last relationship, and technically my only (trust me on that one), was so draining. Yet, that year and a half was probably the happiest year and a half of my life. I have had my heartbroken just as many times that I have allowed it to be taken. Twice I have loved and twice I was hurt, badly mind you. Well, long … long story short, I made friends, fell in love, heart broken, stayed friends, been alone and miserable, fell in love, still in love, miserable and in love, heart broken, no friends, truly alone and miserable, built back friendships, and now alone and sad. Yes, I am sad, not depressed, but simply sad. I hardly write about happy things, and if I do, they are very, very sappy, and they usually embarrass me. So yeah, I am not in the running for "The Worst Luck with Love Award" but each person has the right to feel horrible about his or her life. Mine has been "blah". I want to fall in love, get married, have kids, and be happy. Now all I have to do is try again, and allow myself to. Someday, sooner than later I hope. * Well, its been a while since I posted all this stuff, and since met two really neat guys. Both I hardly ever see and both I hardly even know. I have already slept with one twice … get you mind out of the gutter. I needed a nap, and he offered to let me take a nap in his bed. So I did, so we got all cuddly and it was nice. It was nice to be so close to a man again. Any ways, see "Off Limits" to figure out the drama behind that love interest. The other is probably more obtainable, in the sense that it would be an easier and more desirable and acceptable match. He goes to CSUF also, and is a Film major. We were in acting class together. I totally dig this kid, in the way that I just really want to get to know him. Find out why he loves the movies that he does. And figure out what kind of movies he would want to make. I am very open to being friends with this guy. The other guy might just be a physical attraction, but there is more, I enjoy his company, his humor, his sincerity, and sweetness. Both are very nice kids. * Ok, lets throw some more fun stuff into this mix. I have spoken thus far about four guys. The first love (That First Pretty Face), the second love (Set Up Her Fall, Tricksy Friends and Lovers, Residual Emotions, and Irrecoverable), the nap kid (Off Limits), CSUF kid (no poem thus far), and now another one. I might not write about this one, because it’s a happy moment in my life. And if you read my top poetry topics, Love (actually being in it) is hardly ever a topic. My ‘love’ poems are angsty and illusive. I am in no way shape or form in love with this new guy, but I am thoroughly enjoying each moment spent talking, chatting with him, and find my self hoping the next time I see him is in the very near future. Its nice that I find myself not so emotionally involved as I have frequently found myself doing in the past. I believe that the last relationship, perhaps, hardened me, prepared me to guard my heart, and still be honest enough to give it a try. I think that might have made sense. I am attracted to this guy, intellectually, emotionally, and physically (Oh Dear Lord Yes, physically!). So I am taking this new interest in stride. I want thing to progress in a timely fashion. I don’t want to rush into anything, but I eagerly anticipating what is going to develop. I might get a really great friend out of this. If that is the case, I’ll just have to manage the physical attraction. I’ve done it once, I can do it again! So, as you read beyond this point, you will encounter a portion of the bio that was written before this. The emotions you will see are those that I had. While they are close behind me, I am heading in the direction to overcome the connections to past pains, and looking to enjoy what is ahead of me! Go Me!
I love men, not those in my life, because most of them hurt me, intentionally or not. Let me clarify that then, I love celebrities, sports stars, and anime men! They are so gorgeous!!! The top of the celebrity list would be Matthew McConaughey, David Duchoveny, Richard Gere, Harrison Ford, Tom Cruise, and Mel Gibson. I have a thing for older men. My sporty love interests are mainly hockey players. At the very top is Wayne Gretzky. He is my love, my life, my hero, my everything, and more. Others include Luc Robitaille, Eric Bellanger, Paul Kariya (if only you weren't a Mighty Suck of Anaheim), Felix Potvin, Adam Deadmarsh, Mike Modano, Jeremy Roenick, Ian Laperriere, Ziggy Palffy, Rob Blake, and Bryan Smolinski (if you don't notice, most of the list is made up of LA Kings or former Kings). The love for anime men is nothing that I am ashamed of. The list toppers are Vash the Stampede and Nicholas D. Wolfwood of Trigun, Spike, Gren, and Viscious of Cowboy Bebop, Hotohori, Chichiri, Nakago, and Tasuki of Fushigi Yuugi, Seiya and Mamoru of Sailor Moon Stars, Gohan and Goku of Dragon Ball Z, and Seta of Love Hina. The list would probably take forever to finish. But those are my obsessions.
The music that I am interested is pretty odd. I love and live by now the music of Cowboy Bebop. The music is a funky mix of country, jazz, rock, rhythm, blues, and funk. It is perfect for a scatterbrain like me. I enjoy musicals. My favorites are EVITA, RENT, and The Phantom of the Opera. My dad and mother both had a hand in deciding what music I listen too. From my mom I picked up the love for the Top 40 hits, all the oldies, Elvis, Randy Travis, Patsy Cline, and Roy Orbison. From my dad I now love "attack of the killer 80s" music, DEVO, Queen, the Aquabats, Nirvana, The Cars, The Romones, The Who, and the B-52s. From friends I have learned to enjoy Garbage, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, System of a Down, and Shakira. On my own I enjoy Alanis Morissette, *NSYNC, Barenaked Ladies, and most anime music from my favorite series.
Lets see what I can rant about. I don't want to run this bio as a diary, but things just pop up you know. Lets see where to start. Well, this will kinda be tied into the love life section but stands on its own pretty well. Its about leftovers. The doggy bags of feelings that just wont leave you alone. You don’t want to reheat them and you don't want to let it go to waste, so it just sits there and grows mold in the refrigerator. Well, I am notorious for that. And right now, I have so many bad thoughts in my head that I can't contain my self. Now contrary to my poem, "Dried Up Tears", I have recently cried. Not because I was sad, or hurt, or happy, but because I was lost. Not knowing what I should do next. Wanting to move on, wanting to do so badly. But, those gnawing residual feelings still hold me back. I hate it. I can't shake them. I write about it and it makes it harder to let it go. Because then the memories pop up, and its will get harder and harder to suppress them. This is all in response from the topic discussed in "Never and Possibly" and "Reciprocal Letters". I hate this so much. But I relieved that I can cry again. It gives me solace. * But now I am an emotional wreck. I am spending too much time thinking of the past, and daydreaming of the good times. Paying little attention to the reasons why the aforementioned subject and I let go of each other. I was a crutch to him in my eyes, but I wasn’t the best of people to him either towards the end. I was worn thin, as Bilbo Baggins would say, butter spread over too much bread. That’s what I was at the end of our year and a half together. But I miss him. I miss affection. I miss contact. I want it back. Not necessarily him, but I need something. Maybe him, but I am not ready to say that in all honesty and truth. I am a lonely girl, and sexually frustrated and unattractive and very very sad right now. The good times are easily thought of and cherished when that’s all that will keep me from getting any more down on myself than I already am. * So now here I am again waiting for one person to sign onto AIM and IM me. Waiting for the one person that I should never want to hear from again, and I can't help but wait. Hoping that on the other side of town, this person is thinking the same as me. But I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that there is no conceivable possibility that that is true. My need for a connection is getting worse. Fearing that I might crack. I would turn to my mom for advice or something, but I can't. My parents have known each other since they were both in first grade. They have been together since 8th grade. My mom never had any experience with love besides my dad. How could she understand these feeling that I have? How can any one understand me exactly? I want him back, because I don't have him. I miss him. But is that the loneliness or the true sentiment speaking? I might never know. * Well, I have came to a decision. One that I am quite comfortable with. I will not dwell on the past. If it wants to resurface, then so be it. I will deal with it accordingly. But as for love, and relationships, I must live for the present. Take risks, and not be afraid to venture out and try new things. I can not allow myself to be burdened by aformentioned 'doggy bags'! So, I will attempt to allow more of my curious emotions to be let out. And not focus on the comforting pains of past relationships. Its time that this girl moved on! GO ME!!! Yeah, semi-happy stuff for once! GO ME! * Yes, I am confused once again, however, not in the usual way. I am more aware that I am the only cause for it. I can choose to stay confused or keep my head on my shoulders and accept situations for what they are. Yes, I overanalyze everything to the last word and letter. That will never change. I find comfort in anticipating reactions, consequences, and outcomes. This is in reaction to a new situation that I have never found myself in. A new dear friend of mine was discussing this with me. She noted that it is her experience that it is rare for the person she likes to return the feelings. And when it does happen, there is this confusion and unfamiliarity that creates 'oddness'. Not bad 'oddness', just different. Well, the oddness I am experiencing is a sense of being attracted to one person and then getting the distinct feeling that it is not reciprocated, and yet is still a great friendship. So in all honesty I am happy, more so than I have in a long while. This is not directly due to this new attraction, but from the side of myself that it has brought out. I realize that I am in fact a shy person, when not around very (VERY!) close friends. I find it hard for me to open up to a member of the opposite sex, unless I am a very (VERY!) close friend with them first. So, I guess what this means is I am opening up to finding new friends. Unlike but distrustful nature that I once owned, I am becoming less and less guarded, but remain shy and reserved for the sole purpose of not scaring aforementioned new person away.
I think that’s enough for a bio right now. I'll leave up a few of my favorite lists, and update you on events in my life. So, until next time, hope you enjoy my little offerings, and please feel free to leave reviews, or email me to discuss things that we might share an interest in.
(No particular order)
CONTACT (actual #1)
Star Wars (all)
The Lord of the Rings
City of Angels
(Too many more to list)
Favorite 80s Teen Movies:
The Breakfast Club
Pretty in Pink
Better Off Dead
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The Lord of the Rings
- The Fellowship of the Ring
- The Two Towers
- The Return of the King
Star Wars novels
Favorite Poetry Subjects:
(No particular order)
Myself (start with what you are most familiar with)
Being alone (romantically or self-imposed)
Love (either lost or waiting to be found but never actually in it ... when I was I never write because all my emotions are out there. Its when my emotions are pent up that allow myself to write so freely.)